Does losing your mother have to destroy you?

Death is a part of life. Although that might sound very cynical, it’s something that is inevitable. However, if it is inevitable, why can it be so difficult to process? Is it because losing that person throws your whole world upside down? Is it because it makes you realise it could happen to you? The difficulty we have when trying to process death is something I’m still trying to understand.

Seven years ago, when I was 25, I lost my mother to cancer. It was a roller coaster for roughly two and a half years.

My mom was one of a kind. Like all mothers, she could be quite difficult at times, but her presence was always known in a room; she had a heart of gold and was unbelievably transparent with how she felt about a situation or a person. She was someone you either loved or hated, and this was probably my favourite trait about her, because she always put her cards on the table which most people don’t — and can’t — do. Like any son, I could continue to go on about her personality, painting a clearer picture of her. However, I wrote this article not to detail my mother’s life, but for three specific reasons:

A quick disclaimer…

I’m sure some people will read this and disagree with what I have to say. I completely understand everyone has a different experience and relationship with losing someone special — please take this as just one person’s perspective.

What does it mean to mourn?

Since death is an inevitable part of life, why do we mourn the dead? The people who have passed would never want our lives to crumble and go into disarray. They would want us to remember their legacy and the good times, and take what you have learned from them and incorporate them into your life.

When my mom went into hospice, I was in the process of switching industries from finance into medical. I was going to be selling spinal equipment to doctors and be in surgery every day, which I knew would be stressful. I thought I should take time off after my mother passed away to process and give it time.

When I told my mother, she looked at me and said in a strong, New York Jewish accent, “I didn’t raise you to let this slow down your life. You need to promise me that you will interview for the job and get the role!” As you can imagine, in the moment I still couldn’t quite wrap my head around my mom no longer being in my life. However, at the same time, I knew I had to fulfil my mother’s wishes. If anyone has a Jewish mother (or, according to many of my friends, Indian, Greek, Italian, Muslim, and many others act the same), you know it’s never good to disappoint them!

Does therapy help?

While my mother was battling cancer, I was lucky enough to have a girlfriend who was willing to support me through my ups and downs. She practically begged me for two and a half years to go to therapy, which in the moment I thought I was strong enough to forgo. Looking back now, I couldn’t have been more wrong. I will admit, at the time, I needed to be able to compartmentalize what was going on to be strong for my mother and to support my father.

Four weeks before my mother was put into hospice, not knowing at the time that she would end up there, I finally decided to speak with a social worker. This was a real eye-opener for me. It made me realise not only that I needed to talk to someone, but someone who was a professional. So, once my mother passed away, I decided to see a therapist. I didn’t know what to expect; I had a vision of lying on a couch and being asked questions I wasn’t ready to answer.

Funny enough, my SAT tutor, Carol White, recommended the therapist to me. This may sound strange, but she is one of those people who has an inherent ability to see into a person’s soul. His name was David Greenbaum (rest in peace), and he immediately changed my mind toward the healing powers of an amazing therapist. Every time I would come out of therapy, I would feel a weight lifted off my shoulders and at the same time I would mumble to myself, “How the hell did he get that out of me?”

To go back to my first therapy session, I sat down in his apartment on 72nd and Central Park West and asked, “How do I get over this?” His response, quite simply, was “Time”! I responded, “You have to be kidding me! I am paying a lot of money for this, and that is the best answer you have?” As I write this sentence, I am smirking because he couldn’t have been any more spot on, as long as you take the right steps to process. As my weekly sessions continued to progress and help me better cope with the day-to-day mourning, there are six lessons I learned which I wish I knew before my mother passed away:

1. Rely on your support system: When going through a tough situation, it’s okay to tell people that you are sad. I completely understand the feeling that you may not want people to think you are weak or they won’t be able to understand what you are going through. Showing your emotion and vulnerability, however, is not a sign of weakness; it’s the opposite. It’s a sign of strength. Yes, people might not understand what you are going through, but do you really want people to know what it’s like to lose someone they love?

However, many people are still capable of listening, being compassionate, and understanding. That it is more than enough to give you the support you need.

2. People are uncomfortable about death: Everyone knows death is a part of life, but most people don’t like to be confronted by it. Don’t write your friends off immediately if you don’t feel they’re supporting you in the way you expected. I would recommend talking to them and helping them understand what is the best way to support you and how much it would mean to you. It might sound surprising, but some people may feel bad asking if you’re okay, because they’re afraid to upset you or it makes them feel uncomfortable.

3. Time heals all wounds: If only there were a magic trick to be able to process a tough situation quickly. Unfortunately, it takes time to heal.

4. You may lose a loved one, but they can still be a part of your life: There are many things you learn from that person which you can incorporate into your life to honour them. My mom always loved to cook, entertain, and plan fun activities. These are traits that I learned from her which I do all the time, and it makes me happy and reminds me of her.

5. People can learn to know your lost loved one through your stories: I was dating someone while my mom was battling cancer. It dawned on me that anyone I dated after this person would not know my mother. But, over time, I realised people could know her through stories, photos, and the traits (cooking, entertaining, etc.) that I have taken from her.

6. Even with time, there are certain activities that might trigger sad memories: It doesn’t matter how much time has passed: there are still certain triggers from daily activities which might make you sad. This doesn’t mean you are weak or something is wrong with you — just let them happen.

Coming full circle

Until my mother was diagnosed with cancer, I never experienced any hardships except for my mother nagging me to get good grades. Now that I can look back and truly understand the process I took, I can say that this situation has made me who I am today. I truly appreciate my life, my friends, and my work, and I make sure that I enjoy every moment because I know life can change at any time.

More importantly, I would take the 25 years I had with my mother than another 40 or 50 years with anyone else. She had such a profound impact on my life, and I could only hope that I could be half the parent she was when I have my own kids one day.

Lastly, there is nothing you can change about a tough situation, except how you decide to handle it. You need to understand that life will continue, and instead of a tough situation destroying you, you can use it as an experience to learn from and grow.

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