This was different

"Sometimes we create our own heart heartbreaks through our expectations"
 -Anon

It was the first year into my university, 2 months in where I was still getting to know people and making friends. It was my first time in a new environment where I didn't know anyone and neither did anyone know me. It was a phase I enjoyed the most in university.
And in my journey of getting to know people I met someone, a guy. It was Luke.

Luke and I were from the same college but neither of us knew each other so whenever we were put in an environment where he and I had to work together, we automatically felt like we had each other's backs. I specifically remember the first time I interacted with him. He made me laugh so much that my tummy hurt. And I an made effort into getting to know him better, we started texting everyday but barely had a face to face conversation. We would just greet each other in the hallway sometimes but that's about it. And at that point I didn't question anything because I understood that we had different friend groups. Yet I felt close to him unlike any other person I had ever met. We would talk about our hobbies, favourite shows, taste in music and most importantly, about our emotions and stories from the past. Our conversations would never end. We spoke everyday until late night and in less than 2 months I realised that he had become more than a person to me. He was my habit. So much that the days we didn't speak, I would feel incomplete and my eyes would be stuck on the entrance when he didn't show up to lectures and constantly be on my phone waiting for a text. Slowly I came to a realisation that I was in love with this guy.
And no, I didn't want to confess cause I didn't to ruin our friendship neither did I want to embarrass myself if he didn't think the same.

One and a half years into university, we were still going strong. Nothing had changed. We would talk everyday and everynight. But one day we were grouped for another project and this time it was more people in it. It was me, Robert, Luke and Meghan. And things went right or atleast that's what I thought until one day, nearly 6 months after that project I saw Luke and Meghan hanging out all the time. At first I thought they might just be friends but I was just trying to convince myself that. One day, with the right amount of intolerance and curiosity coming together, I made up my mind and asked him if he was dating someone. And to no one's surprise, he was indeed dating Meghan. It shattered my heart into a million pieces and there were so many thoughts on my mind, I felt betrayed, lacklustre and most importantly unlovable.

I spent so many nights crying about it, feeling insecure about myself; behaviour and body. Often times I compared myself to Meghan. I realised that I had become my own toxic person. But on the outside I still pretend that everything was alright and still kept my friendship with Luke.

And about another month passed and Luke tried to get me and Robert to date and with the rage of a storm in the ocean I swiftly declined and told him to keep his limits. I was heavily thrown off by this and then brushed it off as I melted to his sweet talk. Though at this point I could start seeing all the times he wronged me. However I coped with all this, tolerated his arrogance, ignorance and marginally rude behaviour but also cherished his care, concern and thought towards me. And like a vase that's duck taped to hold it's shape our friendship still lasts.

This was different, It was my first time falling in love with someone. It was not a beautiful experience. I saw my love transform through happiness, expectation, anger, pain and disappointment. But it was all a lesson.

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